Thursday, March 8, 2012

Random musings and moderate hypochondria

It looks like my robot sidekick has not been posting daily as I programmed her to do. Bad robot! I am going to have to check her wires and switches and doo-dads for some kind of malfunction, but until then, my sporadic posting will have to do.  Because I have absolutely no focus today, this post is going to seem like a Seinfeld monologue - unrelated musings that will make some people laugh and others crinkle their noses with disdain. Enjoy!

Does anyone else have problems holding in the hysterical laughter when the preschooler in the house says something hilarious yet wildly inappropriate? For example, the other day my just-about-three-year-old son was pooping on the potty (I cannot scream this loudly enough - YAY!!!!!), squeezing for a considerable amount of time. When he finished he stood up, looked in the bowl, and proclaimed, "That's a huge crap!"  I actually asked him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe I had heard him correctly. Yep, huge crap. Totally not appropriate out of the mouth of a little kid (or really anyone for that matter) even though it was, in fact, a huge crap. I laughed so hard I couldn't stop coughing. He now thinks it's entertaining to say "huge crap" and says it as often as possible. Mama of the year over here!

I have learned a new acronym during the course of potty training my son. NTAF (never trust a fart). The wrong fart can ruin a whole day (and the most-favored Thomas underpants). Someday I will once again be able to forget such an acronym was even necessary, but now it's sort of my mantra. Have mercy.

I have started looking forward to spring (although in DC it lasts about 10 minutes before the wild humidity swoops in). I love the way the air smells, the longer days, the jacket-free mornings.  My biggest concern is sartorial: how does one wear cool scarves in spring/summer without looking like a refugee from an overheated sauna? Flowy patterned scarves have become a key part of my wardrobe this winter and I don't want to have to give them up. I love the way they add a pop of interest to a monochromatic outfit. I see celebrities photographed wearing scarves in the heat of the summer without looking the tiniest bit sweaty. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW THAT IS POSSIBLE? Have they had their sweat glands surgically removed? Or is there some trick I don't know? This is a serious question - I wanna be able to wear my scarves in the spring and summer!  /first world problems.

I ripped my cuticle the other day. It hurts like a mofo (can I say that in mixed company?).  I will spare you the details but it looks disgusting and I hope I don't end up with a deformed thumb. Did I mention it hurts like hell?  The hypochondriac sitting on my shoulder was all, "What if it's some sort of skin disease? What if you get septic? What if what if what if?"  I am a worst case scenario jumper. I have planned in my head for just about every horrible thing I can think of. I should write a book on how to survive the diseases you make up in your head. Would anyone buy it?

Okay, it's time to think about picking up my son from school. Maybe he had a huge crap today and told someone else about it.
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